BLOG TURNS 3.

on 24th June, 2017, Tinkerer of Words turned 3.

RUNDOWN

The last year, for the blog, hasn’t been too exciting. Although, it’s been pretty much the opposite in terms of my non-blog life. I moved to the UK last September for Uni and that meant I’ve been a terrible blogger. terrible is totally an understatement. I’ve neglected uploading new content. Which is a lot more difficult to understand since I didn’t actually stop writing or anything, in fact I kept posting bits of writings/poems to my personal Facebook instead.

Problem is, I struggle with doing what people do to get their writings noticed. I instantly lack the motivation to make an effort to kind of “advertise” yourself (advertise not in a market-y, gimmicky way, but like making real connections with people if that makes any sense…), and with having this website without the support system that the WordPress.com community at least provided, it’s been difficult. I can stare at a blank screen for hours trying to find the words but when it comes to actually uploading those found words, I’ll procrastinate with at least 6 episodes of whatever-it-is-i-am-currently-binge-watching (cough*izombie*cough). ISN’T THAT SUPER ODD?! (pls tell me, I can’t be the only one who suffers from this ah…oddness(?)).


Case in point #1, I have a whole album of DESIGNS on my Facebook, for maybe half an year, that has writings sort of illustrated or accompanied by bits of shapes etc. that are minimalistic and try to add to the words. It’s easier seen than explained. I started it as a way to improve my Illustrating skills + to find a way to merge my obsession with words and Graphics Design, as an aesthetically pleasing fusion.

And stupidly enough, I’ve not even mentioned it here on the blog. LIKE AT ALL.

Case in point #2, since moving to the UK, one of the greatest things has been the many Spoken Word poetry events. I’ve had the utmost pleasure of not only listening to some truly talented poets, but also performing in front of an audience, four times. Now, four times seems like a very small number, but for someone who’s only just watched Spoken Word on Youtube, the opportunity to stand on a stage and speak your words, has been, utterly remarkable. As a way to share my spoken word poems especially with friends and family back in Saudi Arabia, I started a SoundCloud account where for some reason I found the motivation to upload my 2 poems vs. delaying even the post I had in mind for ToW where I’d mention this. Like, I don’t even know why I found the latter so demanding.


Regardless, I want you to know I really, really, REALLY, R E A L L Y cherish this blog. I might sound a bit too cynical or maybe self-critical but Tinkerer of Words has seriously been a place of comfort for me. It’s been my home from the moment I spent weeks hunting for the right name for a blog where I’ll be free to share stuff and improve stuff. 3 years is a milestone, but now it’s onwards. I want to better this place, learn from my mistakes and perhaps make news ones to learn from later.

Because even now that I sit in lamplight, a little too sleepy too early, I can’t thank you enough for reading this.
You make this less difficult.

 

You make it a whole lot easy.

-rizwana

❤️

LETTING GO.

So, hey. Me, again. As usual: it’s been a while. University life has a tendency to keep you either too caught up with the all em’ endless deadlines or too mentally-drained to sit down and write some words, no matter how direly inactive your blog’s been. And I know that’s such a typical excuse for basically being one heck of an absent blogger but you’ll just have to accept it because YAY DISAPPOINTMENT….?

Random browsing on GoodReads led me to this quote

I am awfully sentimental. Of books, belongings, people, places. It matters very little how positive or negative the experience was. If it shared some meaningful time in my life, I’ll have trouble letting go.
― Beau Taplin

and OH BOY OH BOY, did it REALLY hit home with me. I seriously am very obviously sentimental since who knows when. It is weird though, because I can’t exactly explain the logic behind it. Guess there’s just something I leave in places and times and people and things and moments, kind of like shedding a bit of who you are in that moment and just leaving it there. And then it’s like automatically everything has a connection to who YOU are/were and the thought of moving on is more than just difficult.

That’s why, perhaps, I tend to write a lot directly/indirectly on the concept of time and it’s magnitude of presence and the ever increasing reduction of human life, shredded by the second. I mean, it’s hard to fathom a clock as a stopwatch, even though it pretty much is. Not that I am necessarily daunted by the future or what it holds. But more so, just the realisation that tomorrow would mean leaving today…replacing today, being ok with leaving behind something that once was so important to you, only for this to happen over and over and over…that’s what I find troubling.

Eventually, every step ahead becomes bittersweet and hell nah, 

I don’t like bittersweet.  

wrote and illustrated weeks before i read the quote. still holds true, i think.

time kills clocks, too. 
and you wonder why
i’m sentimental.
buddy,
i wish i knew.

-rizwana

a

can’t

everyday
you put on a brave face
for me. for us.
but i’m choking.

(can’t you see?)

it’s killing me;
this pretending. like
you’re still just as
brave? we both
know that’s
not true.

ignorance is bliss
but having to ignore is
pain.

and as you walk out
the front door,
for me, for us,
i don’t know how
not to notice your 
hands become
frailer,

and frailer.

(i can’t let you see.)

remembrance

i, remember, too, the times i remembered you. 
as i put water into the kettle or
picked up the little broken spoon from within
the sugar pot
both acts, i agree, too mundane to mention,
alas, these too, i’m left, alone, to do.
i remember; i’ve remembered you.

-rizwana

effort, does.

BREAKING: I’ve started university.

(not at all BREAKING but I couldn’t think of a spicer intro)

So, yep. For the last 3 months approx, I’m officially a first-year university student. yikes. In case you’re curious, I’m studying to become a Computer Scientist (whattay pompous title, i know..), at Nottingham Trent University, UK. Without further ado, this is just kind of a run down on things thus far.

Overall, the experience has been quite unique. Of course, moving from Saudi Arabia to the UK was the grandest change but then living independently i.e. pretending you’re adult enough to manage bills and grocery, continues to be one vast learning experience. There’s a greater sense of responsibility that’s both exciting and tiring!

Study wise, I’m getting along kinda fine. As ya’ll be aware, uni is A LOT of work, even without counting the extra time you gotta spend thinking and working towards a good CV. It gets ridiculously mind-boggling to even think about how you’ll manage to ever manage time. Unfortunately, that is exactly why I’ve been so inactive on this blog as well unable to generally do enough creative stuff. In fact, I’ve even neglected keeping in touch with some real awesome friends, which I’m pretty much very un-proud of.

I guess the issue I face is staying dedicated for longer portions of times. Besides that, I’m ok with sincerely studying/working on a project only a day or two before the deadline. Before that, it’s mostly half-serious efforts which, yeah, aren’t enough. I’m more or less trying to learn to be efficient in advance so to avoid heaps and heaps of unfinished work at the end. As imagined, old habits die hard but hey, at least they’re not invincible, eh?

I suppose it’s worth remembering when moving through the different aspects of your life or while witnessing changes, to remember that adjusting to anything different or new isn’t easy. Be it coming in terms with the uncertainty of the situation or accepting a change itself, the easiest solution is to worry.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from watching Bridge of Spies while on the bus back to Notts, it’s 

"do you never worry?"

"would it help?"

that, sometimes, worrying doesn’t help.

effort, does.

-Rizwana

 

I’m Back.

let’s be honest: I’ve been reluctant to post on this blog. 

After being away for so long, with no prior update or anything, it’s disturbingly difficult to get yourself to write a post without feeling like you’ve abandoned, perhaps even betrayed, your blog. I know I might sound like I’m exaggerating an otherwise simple situation but I don’t feel as such. I guess I’ve just disappointed myself more than anyone kind enough to be reading these sentences, and I knew all I had to do was come back here, write (I wasn’t out of ideas/topics) and click ‘publish’. But the longer you don’t do the very thing you so want (and know you should) do, the harder it gets to actually do it. At least, for me. (I might’ve confused you in which case ahh, I don’t think I can explain myself any better. apologies. :$ ) So, that’s how I ended up with no fresh content since September.

blog, abandoned.Nonetheless, I think I’m back now. I want to be back. The only way to break out of this toxic hesitance is to crush its existence, to sit down and write, without fear or uncertainty, like I have before. And, hopefully, with your support, will do again.

blog, returns!

All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. ― Samuel Beckett

Ever grateful,
Rizwana

 

Fixation.

You’ll see me use the word creative so often. 

For I look to find the ways in which to be uninterrupted, creatively uninterrupted. 
I do not know what you may think of this constant need to go on and on and on about something I seem to have already bored you with enough. This must be tiring. Utterly repetitive. Why must I knock a door, the same door, so frequently?  What is wrong with me? What is wrong with YOU for bearing this sort of loony behaviour?

The limitless mind left limited.

Oh God.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

tell me,

what is your fixation? 

-Rizwana

p.s.  this post was not an excuse for sherlock gifs. i promise.

Creative Folks: Making The Networks.

Heya folks. Ok, I do wish there was a more sophisticated way of beginning these posts, something charismatic ya know? Like the subtlest of head nods and the hip-est of eye winks (eye winks? really?! finished school and all but here I am with preposterous language skillz. nice. ?) Alas, I have failed you and we shall continue, deprived of all the charisma and candy in the world.

big wow.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’ve been thinking/noticing/staring-at-the-wall for a couple of days. Not continuously, duh. Figuratively. You know when you’re a noob and you spend so long reading about the thing you’re interested in or want to pursue? Like, for me, this whole blogging adventure to be precise. I like to pretend to be thoughtful and read/research on ways to improve or find those hidden industry secrets from acclaimed people on the internet. So to understand what those successful fellas did or didn’t do to make it as far as they have or had and try to take inspiration from their respective journeys.

Obviously, we’re lucky to be living in a world where all these stories of success and progress are so readily available. You don’t have to pluck a bird’s feather, get that high level bird-feather ink and sit under lantern light to finally write something, in hopes of getting it shipped to that one posh library in Oxford or wherever posh libraries used to exist. Nah, we got our Reddits and our Facebooks and our Youtubes and our WordPresses and so on, just endless, empty library shelves floating around in Space 24/7. How sick is that?!

But what I think hasn’t changed is the idea of making the right networks, the need of connections. I, as an aspiring creative, am accustomed to dealing with the creative aspect of this blog (i.e. post planning, writing, rewriting, designing, color picking etc.) on a fairly regular basis. That’s all pretty normal. Yet what isn’t as normal is having to deal with the social a.k.a business aspect of things. Marketing your creativity for the masses. THAT is hardcore stuff.

sed lyfe.And let’s be honest here: I’m not that great at it. I mean, I try to publicise my blog as often as possible without sounding obnoxious but it’s still pretty much uncharted waters. Some people seem to have the business self in them oh-so-naturally, that you severely begin to criticise your not-exactly-introverted-but-still-mostly-shy behaviour. It only gets worse when you assess all these awesome creatives online, be it writers or photographers or youtubers or others, and you start to see this pattern where they were able to use the right sort of network or contact or even friendship, as a springboard for a much greater outreach.

Of course, that’s not to say it WASN’T because of their creative efforts, the time spent planning, writing, editing and all, the importance of those tasks can’t and shouldn’t be diminished, BUT the fact that they had that extra level of support can’t be ignored either. (I mean, living in Saudi Arabia..there really aren’t a whole lot of options when it comes to finding that creative crew of humans which means you seek out and truly treasure people or opportunities you may find! Hmm, perhaps it’s actually a blessing in disguise eh? ? )

All in all, I’m immensely grateful to the online connections. Will try not to sound too campy..but the greatest aspect of the World Wide Web is just how easy it is to not feel alone. To find those like-minded people. To realise that no matter how shy or introverted or weird you may be, out-there, somewhere, ARE actual living human beings who can look you in the eye and you’d know…

they understand you.

feelz.

And honestly, that’s worth more than it seems.

-Rizwana

p.s. thank you for understanding. always.

Alevel Results: Ready. Set. Go.

Fellaaaas. How’s everyone doing? I hope ya’ll are as awesome as always? ?
I’ve been (as usual) meaning to write something a lil’ chill, one of those chitchat session kinda thing..especially after all the recent poetry posts. Anyway, let’s start of with addressing just how monumental this week actually is. For anyone who’s unaware, I’m 18 years old which not only means I get to scream into the abyss for a driver’s license (and wait another 18 years before I get one ?) BUT I CAN ALSO, officially, say I’m done with school.

As nice as that sounds, problem is, to be proper done done..you gotta have to get through the whole getting your exam results to make it official bit ya know? And oh boy oh boy, does that sound perpetually unnerving.

*cries*
tear-induce-inator 9000.

What I’m trying to (interestingly) convey is that my A level (which fyi are the nasty high school exams by the Brits ?) results are set to be released on the 11th of August, 2016 aka Thursday aka tomorrow aka biggest moment of truth in all of space and time no kidding. Hence, I’m not even sure how to process it all. I like to think I’m a chill person. I panic, yes, of course, a lot. But I sort of get over it soon enough? Call it easily distractible or whatever. I manage to find the humour in dire situations, enough to stick with a it-is-not-the-end-of-the-world attitude and for that, surely, I’m grateful.

{side note: maybe people who don’t..perhaps they work harder so as to prevent any dire situations at all? I personally think it’s about how you use the panic and tension in any circumstance, how much you allow these negative feelings to influence you and how much you influence them. I mean, finding the balance between underestimating vs overestimating and then learning from the experience, right? let me know what you think okay? okay, end side note.}

I’ll be honest: I don’t have much to say. Wish I did. Maybe this post would’ve been more content-wise substantial then..but for now, sorry for the disappointment. However, this post can be a reminder of sorts.

To realise that results day, like any day, is basically, A DAY. Because most things, in retrospect, cease to be as scary as your good ol’ heart and brain have led you to believe, no?

Regardless of everything and anything, I hope to remember that. 

So let the storm come when it wants to,

BRACE YOSELF

I’m ready.

are you?

 

-Rizwana
p.s. goodluck to myself and everyone else in the same boat,
we’re all in this together, fellas.
❤️