THE LAST PART BEFORE THE RESULTS ARE IN.
I AM STOKED.
August 12th, 2014:
The day that seemed millenniums away. Also the day that is tomorrow.
Its weird how almost unrealistically episodic our lives can be. The things pinned so far away in the reel of your moments, seem so small and blurred and you can’t even register their impending existence. Then just some time goes by and suddenly they’re coming at you head-on, with startling speed. Almost like a hurdle race where at the start line, in those remaining seconds before you know you have to start running, all you can think about with complete focus is that one hurdle facing right in front of you.
Because that initial jump is pinned so explicitly in your brain, on the reel that your life is synchronized with, that is blurs out everything beyond it. Hence just as you jump from hurdle to hurdle, so does your attention to the things pinned along and the blurred seems to slip into sight.
Well you think you see clearly now but (and you know there’s always a but…) the more that you attain clarity, the more the blurriness ahead of it is extended; so all that has happened is that you see the next thing with complete focus. Exactly how a vehicle with headlights only has a limited perimeter of visibility in the fog.
After all, beyond that light, is still unclarity.
That is what 12th of August feels like, a moment under the light.
What I think I’m trying to contemplate is just how crazily time has jumped from “nervousness due to the start of exams” to” nervousness at being on the brinks of the results”. It just seems so unreal. Back then in May, these exams were mentally the most visible thing ever, propped for me to jump over and I definitely remember the jump just like any athlete would.
Yet just like an athlete, the pounding heart, tense muscles or adrenaline-pumping body can’t ever be remembered; it only is felt, then and there.
The memory of that struggle has become my souvenir, only be looked at from a distance like a work of art.
That on its own is my victory.
As for any sort of expectations, well I’m as clueless as usual. Either I think of getting exceptional grades or I end up imagining a list of unacceptable ones. So pretty much bipolar at the moment. However, apart from this weird bipolar habit, I am certainly not short of any crazy obsession. English is the sole subject for which an A* seems like an absolute must.
so pretty much found the Gollum in me.
Thanks for that, you exams.
Thing is, I’m just not sure why I’m thinking more about the arrival of the results’ day than the actual arrival of my result. Maybe it’s because 12th of August has caught me off guard. I knew it coming, but I didn’t see it reach. No matter how much I think I’ve mentally prepared, there is never escaping the unstoppable excitement with the gut wrenching fear nor the wiggles of curiosity nestled in the act of patience turned impatience. No matter how much I try to think like the director, I can’t escape the feelings of what I am, in these episodes of life; an actor.
Playing my role is embedded in my gut. There can be no defiance.
But I guess that’s part of the reason why season finales are so very dramatic.
They make sure you feel everything.
P.S. See you post-results. 😉 Good luck to all the candidates everywhere! 🙂
THIS IS IT, fellas.