let’s be honest: I’ve been reluctant to post on this blog.
After being away for so long, with no prior update or anything, it’s disturbingly difficult to get yourself to write a post without feeling like you’ve abandoned, perhaps even betrayed, your blog. I know I might sound like I’m exaggerating an otherwise simple situation but I don’t feel as such. I guess I’ve just disappointed myself more than anyone kind enough to be reading these sentences, and I knew all I had to do was come back here, write (I wasn’t out of ideas/topics) and click ‘publish’. But the longer you don’t do the very thing you so want (and know you should) do, the harder it gets to actually do it. At least, for me. (I might’ve confused you in which case ahh, I don’t think I can explain myself any better. apologies. :$ ) So, that’s how I ended up with no fresh content since September.
Nonetheless, I think I’m back now. I want to be back. The only way to break out of this toxic hesitance is to crush its existence, to sit down and write, without fear or uncertainty, like I have before. And, hopefully, with your support, will do again.
All of old. Nothing else ever. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. ― Samuel Beckett
You’ll see me use the word creative so often.
For I look to find the ways in which to be uninterrupted, creatively uninterrupted.
I do not know what you may think of this constant need to go on and on and on about something I seem to have already bored you with enough. This must be tiring. Utterly repetitive. Why must I knock a door, the same door, so frequently? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with YOU for bearing this sort of loony behaviour?
The limitless mind left limited.
what is your fixation?
p.s. this post was not an excuse for sherlock gifs. i promise.
There is no comfort, no regularity in going after the spectacular again and again and again. There is always a feeling, hypnotic even, enough to making me want to strive for that spectacular something with no knowledge of what it actually is. Tiring? It can be. Like you’re always moving and walking and yes, running, to somewhere and that somewhere just seems like both a step and miles away, altogether. And you think, how am I to know? There is no guide, not even a friend. Just you and this screaming sensation, like a promise telling you you’ll reach there, that somewhere. A promise you make unknowingly and break just as soon but keep coming back to, knowing you were meant to. Believing something for a somewhere. Blinded so boldly, I proclaim it my passion.
The life of roamer, craver for the creative.
Endless effort and bliss.
2.5 months and 4 posts later, we have finally reached here.
What a journey it’s been.
Ever had the feeling of having yourself officially detached from something you were stuck to? Then watching it continue, like it always did and always will, yet with newer passengers.
Suddenly you’re not present in its present.
That’s how I feel post-results. I thought I had officially walked off board during the time the exams had ended but I think it wasn’t entirely that; it was more of just getting off my seat and beginning the walk towards the exit. So back then, it might have felt like the perfect embodiment of the previously-mentioned feeling but it lacked completion.
Today on August 13, 2014, I feel it done and finished.
I embarked then conquered.
I know I’ve walked off and this time for sure.
“I heard the exit doors shut behind me.”
The summit has been reached.
And trust me when I say:
“The view was worth every bit of the struggle.”
P.S. And that’s “The End” for this series. I hope you enjoyed it because I feel hugely proud of being fortunate enough to have start and successfully finish such a thing.
Thank you for your valuable time spent on my feeble, little blog. It means A LOT.
oh and yes, my inner Gollum did find Precioussss, thankfully. 🙂