Alevel Results: Ready. Set. Go.

Fellaaaas. How’s everyone doing? I hope ya’ll are as awesome as always? ?
I’ve been (as usual) meaning to write something a lil’ chill, one of those chitchat session kinda thing..especially after all the recent poetry posts. Anyway, let’s start of with addressing just how monumental this week actually is. For anyone who’s unaware, I’m 18 years old which not only means I get to scream into the abyss for a driver’s license (and wait another 18 years before I get one ?) BUT I CAN ALSO, officially, say I’m done with school.

As nice as that sounds, problem is, to be proper done gotta have to get through the whole getting your exam results to make it official bit ya know? And oh boy oh boy, does that sound perpetually unnerving.

tear-induce-inator 9000.

What I’m trying to (interestingly) convey is that my A level (which fyi are the nasty high school exams by the Brits ?) results are set to be released on the 11th of August, 2016 aka Thursday aka tomorrow aka biggest moment of truth in all of space and time no kidding. Hence, I’m not even sure how to process it all. I like to think I’m a chill person. I panic, yes, of course, a lot. But I sort of get over it soon enough? Call it easily distractible or whatever. I manage to find the humour in dire situations, enough to stick with a it-is-not-the-end-of-the-world attitude and for that, surely, I’m grateful.

{side note: maybe people who don’t..perhaps they work harder so as to prevent any dire situations at all? I personally think it’s about how you use the panic and tension in any circumstance, how much you allow these negative feelings to influence you and how much you influence them. I mean, finding the balance between underestimating vs overestimating and then learning from the experience, right? let me know what you think okay? okay, end side note.}

I’ll be honest: I don’t have much to say. Wish I did. Maybe this post would’ve been more content-wise substantial then..but for now, sorry for the disappointment. However, this post can be a reminder of sorts.

To realise that results day, like any day, is basically, A DAY. Because most things, in retrospect, cease to be as scary as your good ol’ heart and brain have led you to believe, no?

Regardless of everything and anything, I hope to remember that. 

So let the storm come when it wants to,


I’m ready.

are you?


p.s. goodluck to myself and everyone else in the same boat,
we’re all in this together, fellas.

A Grade Talk.

Hi. How you doing? Hope you’re feeling awesome. ❓

So I’ve began to write not knowing what to write, and instead depending on this teeny notion that perhaps a good ol’ blabber session would seem something like you’d be more than happy to read. Shall I presume I am right in this belief remains, yet, to be seen. Teehee. 🙄

Anyway. I know I haven’t write in a while and I know I say that every time like it’s become an un-offical official intro but I really shouldn’t be letting this bond between punctual posts and me break into sad, unfixable pieces. It isn’t right and I’m responsible but I’m also set to give some insanely hectic A Level exams in about a month and just looking at the date right now gave me goosebumps. Thus, you can imagine my lack of presence on SoP, I hope.

On the matter of what’s new, I’ve had some recent rethinking on the importance of grades and as a result, frustrations of the typical education system(s) that are more like conveyor belts through hell. And I don’t mean to whine like this is the number 1 issue we face because oh God, the world’s got an entire plater of problems as it is but, eh, can’t help thinking!

Seriously though, the idea of “results define your future” is intended as a great way to encourage you but instead, it ends up doing more damage due to the way society tends to heighten it beyond belief. I mean, there is nothing wrong in trying to do (and be) the best in whatever it is you set out to do and in fact, you SHOULD be doing just that no matter if it is obliged or expected from you. I don’t mind that, AT ALL.

What I do mind is just the intensity with which I personally have spent the last, say, 8 months of my life feeling as though I am on a ladder, continuously climbing and climbing to a place I am told will open the doors to my future. And so, this sort of smudges the good intention of “just trying your best”, in favour of highlighting the tension and chaos and exhaustion that comes with wanting to have the “best grades”. You just phase out into this state of fixating your future and happiness ONLY to a bunch of alphabets and that shouldn’t be the case. You shouldn’t have to depend on a piece of paper to validate your worth or even have the world be eager enough to equate it directly to YOU, as a person.

Surely, no system of “education” would be considered “educational” were it to preach such values, would it?


And remember:

Too much of anything is good for nothing.


Until next time,


2.5 months and 4 posts later, we have finally reached here.

What a journey it’s been.

Ever had the feeling of having yourself officially detached from something you were stuck to?  Then watching it continue, like it always did and always will, yet with newer passengers.

Suddenly you’re not present in its present.

That’s how I feel post-results. I thought I had officially walked off board during the time the exams had ended but I think it wasn’t entirely that; it was more of just getting off my seat and beginning the walk towards the exit.   So back then, it might have felt like the perfect embodiment of the previously-mentioned feeling but it lacked completion.

Today on August 13, 2014, I feel it done and finished.

I embarked then conquered.

I know I’ve walked off and this time for sure.

“I heard the exit doors shut behind me.”


The summit has been reached.

And trust me when I say:


“The view was worth every bit of the struggle.”

– Toto

P.S. And that’s “The End” for this series. I hope you enjoyed it because I feel hugely proud of being fortunate enough to have start and successfully finish such a thing.
Thank you for your valuable time spent on my feeble, little blog. It means A LOT. 

oh and yes, my inner Gollum did find Precioussss, thankfully. 🙂 

“IG’S: JUST SOME LIFE THING”, PART IV (Thanks for that, you exams!)




August 12th, 2014:
The day that seemed millenniums away. Also the day that is tomorrow.

Its weird how almost unrealistically episodic our lives can be. The things pinned so far away in the reel of your moments, seem so small and blurred and you can’t even register their impending existence. Then just some time goes by and suddenly they’re coming at you head-on, with startling speed. Almost like a hurdle race where at the start line, in those remaining seconds before you know you have to start running, all you can think about with complete focus is that one hurdle facing right in front of you.


Because that initial jump is pinned so explicitly in your brain, on the reel that your life is synchronized with, that is blurs out everything beyond it. Hence just as you jump from hurdle to hurdle, so does your attention to the things pinned along and the blurred seems to slip into sight.

Well you think you see clearly now but (and you know there’s always a but…) the more that you attain clarity, the more the blurriness ahead of it is extended; so all that has happened is that you see the next thing with complete focus. Exactly how a vehicle with headlights only has a limited perimeter of visibility in the fog.

After all, beyond that light, is still unclarity.


That is what 12th of August feels like, a moment under the light.

What I think I’m trying to contemplate is just how crazily time has jumped from “nervousness due to the start of exams” to” nervousness at being on the brinks of the results”. It just seems so unreal. Back then in May, these exams were mentally the most visible thing ever, propped for me to jump over and I definitely remember the jump just like any athlete would.

Yet just like an athlete, the pounding heart, tense muscles or adrenaline-pumping body can’t ever be remembered; it only is felt, then and there.
The memory of that struggle has become my souvenir, only be looked at from a distance like a work of art.

That on its own is my victory.

As for any sort of expectations, well I’m as clueless as usual. Either I think of getting exceptional grades or I end up imagining a list of unacceptable ones. So pretty much bipolar at the moment. However, apart from this weird bipolar habit, I am certainly not short of any crazy obsession. English is the sole subject for which an A* seems like an absolute must.

so pretty much found the Gollum in me.


Thanks for that, you exams.

Thing is, I’m just not sure why I’m thinking more about the arrival of the results’ day than the actual arrival of my result. Maybe it’s because 12th of August has caught me off guard. I knew it coming, but I didn’t see it reach. No matter how much I think I’ve mentally prepared, there is never escaping the unstoppable excitement with the gut wrenching fear nor the wiggles of curiosity nestled in the act of patience turned impatience. No matter how much I try to think like the director, I can’t escape the feelings of what I am, in these episodes of life; an actor.

Playing my role is embedded in my gut. There can be no defiance.

But I guess that’s part of the reason why season finales are so very dramatic.


They make sure you feel everything.


– Toto

P.S. See you post-results. 😉 Good luck to all the candidates everywhere! 🙂

THIS IS IT, fellas.




Here it is. I can NOT believe I’m done writing this, can’t even remember how impatient I was to have this written. I so much appreciate anyone who is reading and I hope you don’t want to punch your screen once you’re done. Also because I can brag about this being a series, do make sure you read the previous parts (1 & 2), it will be twice more fun, I promise! *fingers crossed*

Imagine you’re jumping onto a train, not only ‘to’ a train but also ‘from’ a train, both of which are moving along opposite tracks in full, train speed fashion. There has come a moment where they’re aligned next to each other, closest they can possibly be and you’re programmed to jump that very instant. Is the thought of doing such an obviously life-threatening action more mind-bogging than the high frequency feelings awakened within you if and once you’ve actually accomplished such a feat? Can disbelieve possibly take so much control instead of the joy of not dying in the process?

Or maybe jumping trains can simply make you go bonkers; at least in my experience.

You see, I’ve recently had such a “jump” from one high speed track of life to another. From what was set to be my ultimate goal, for a good chunk of time, to starting anew in the list of yet more goals to check off. Long story short: The dreaded chapter of “cie exams” has come to an end and it’s time to discover new lands.

To be honest, it is saddening to know that that place that you once deemed to be extremely daunting and hard to navigate becomes simply “discovered”. Like walking through a dense forest, each footstep reminding you how bravely you traveled but by the end of it you’re hit with this much unexplained feeling of longing. The place becomes like those playground spring rockers that have just grown too small for us all.

Yet I’d still ride them in a heartbeat. Wouldn’t you?

cutesy spring rockers ftw.
picture from Flickr

I’m also indefinably happy at this milestone (a little milestone nonetheless!). The prospect of finding new lands to witness is surely exciting and boundless. It feels wonderful to be pumped back up with this much of energy, much of which I’ll try to save up not only for these 4 months of being a total free elf but for all the new things that have now become daunting and hard to navigate.

Now you may be wondering how the previously titled “ordeal” or in simpler terms “IG’s” went along. Boring, tiring and sometimes mind wrecking? Yes. But surely nothing much frightening than any other stupid ol’ exams. There was more at stake, but in practice it was pretty usual. I suppose falling down a cliff is falling, no matter if you’re (for some idiotic reason) practicing for it or doing it the last official time. The procedure doesn’t change, only the status does so if you’re sane enough to focus on the act and not the importance of the result, well then you’ll have IG’s over with nice and easy!

I could honestly keep writing about this nonstop and it wouldn’t even be my fault. Having finished with o’levels and school has just been the jump-start to wanting to become a better writer and I’m more than ever ready to pursue this newly redefined goal with all the passion I can muster. Thank you to all the people who have accompanied me in this journey in whatever way, may the undiscovered lands enrich you with all you’ve sought for and I wish our roads cross each other’s some way or the other.

And lastly, I think I’ve come to a conclusion. I was right after all: IG’s were most definitely like being hit by a tennis-ball-shooting-machine.

But never in a million years had I ever imagined, that it would leave me smiling.

That’s all for now! I know this one was quite a long read but I do wish it was worth it 🙂 The next part will be coming sometime august, near the time of the “unspeakable day” (yes, I mean the results day  😛 ). So you’ll have to wait a while but don’t worry, I’ve got new plans which I will (like duhh) be blabbering to you all veryyy soon (stay tuned? 🙂 ). Once again thank you for actually reading this and until next time amigos!


– Toto

P.S. Tomorrow is the final day of the countdown,

GET READY for the 4th and LAST PART to be written before the day of the results (a.k.a THE UNSPEAKABLE DAY *rubbish title? yeah, I know 😛 *!


“IG’s: just some life thing”, starting Friday the 8th!

INTRODUCING “IG’s: just some life thing“!

As you may or may not know, some months ago I was busy with the grandest exams I’ve ever had the unfortunate fate of experiencing, a.k.a THE IGCSE (or The International General Certificate of Secondary Education).

“IG’s: just some life thing” is the uncensored truth from the eyes of a witness.  

I started this series before these exams had begun (something like the start of May..) which was also a time I had no blog to blabber on like I do now. But I think this particular writing was, and definitely is, pretty close to my heart because it’s been the very first time I ventured into a bit more professional sort of writing. Something with better quality than usual.

Also, this is the very first series I’ve ever written so that makes it double special!

All in all, I’m so happy to have this blog to share it with a wider audience. 😉

Anyways in case you might be wondering why I’m posting this series all of a sudden then that’s because it’s soon going to be 12th of August; the day of the results. *yikes!*

Hence this series still needs completion which will come soon, very soon. 😉

*And oops..didn’t plan to write so much. Hehe.* 

My bad.. 🙂

Ohkaay then wonderful readers I’ll stop this from getting any longer and so THANK YOU all for visiting my little blog and I hope you’ll enjoy reading this series!

Until Friday Fellas,



P.S. Tell me if you guys like that poster thingy..Photoshop is still very “hey-I-wonder-what-this-button-does?” for me! 😛